On the eve of the MLS Eastern Conference Finals between the Columbus Crew and FC Cincinnati, the biggest game in the history of the Hell Is Real Derby, fans of both teams would be well served to reflect on the confrontations that have led to this moment. It has been six years, and multiple stadiums, since the Crew and Cincinnati first met on the pitch.

In lieu of simply ranking each previous match or remembering them chronologically, let us attempt to categorize each prior meeting by its scale of intensity and heat on the existential planes of life, each game ranging from practically nonexistent to the raging fires of Hell.

Cold Agnosticism

Aug. 29, 2020, FC Cincinnati: 0 Columbus Crew: 0

Both cities would be forgiven for questioning whether this game even happened. Did 90 minutes of soccer occur? Some soccer scholars have stated that if you could configure the most perfect soccer game to ever exist it would result in a nil-nil draw. They certainly were not referring to this game.

Sept. 6, 2020, Columbus Crew: 3 FC Cincinnati: 0

More of the same from the forgotten and empty 2020 regular season. This game came and went without much substance or fanfare. The Crew was well on the team’s way to competing for hardware that season and Cincinnati was simply the unfortunate team in the Black & Gold’s way on this night.

Oct. 14, 2020, FC Cincinnati: 2 Columbus Crew 1

The last Hell Is Real Derby that was completely forgettable, and its very existence is questionable. Cicninnati’s first MLS victory against Columbus happened on a chilly night in a nearly empty Nippert Stadium. The loss was just a small plip on the Crew’s radar, as the Black & Gold went on to lift the MLS Cup in 2020. If this game had not happened in a time of empty stadiums, perhaps it would have had more of a legacy.

Purgatory

July 11, 2020, Columbus Crew 4 FC Cincinnati: 0

The MLS Is Back Tournament was a strange in-between existence of normal life and health and safety protocols. Fans did not know how long their souls would be trapped watching soccer take place in a sports complex in Florida with fake noise piped in to simulate mortal existence. 

Lucas Zelarayan introduced himself to fans worldwide, and Columbus laid the smackdown after a five-month layoff.

The game counted as three points in the MLS regular season standings, but nothing about the MLS Is Back Tournament felt like it would carry over to the next point in fans’ lives, the records and accomplishments stuck in a constant state between two worlds. 

Original Sin

June 14, 2017, FC Cincinnati: 1 Columbus Crew: 0

These two teams were destined to be rivals throughout their mutual existence, but the first bite of the apple did not occur until the summer of 2017 in the fourth round of the Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup.

The victory for Cincinnati sparked a Cinderella run that ended in an MLS expansion berth. For the Crew, the loss was a string of summer defeats that almost felt fatal for the regime in charge.

Later that year, the Black & Gold and their fans went on to fight a larger off-the-field battle to save the team. A fight for mere existence can really put a cup defeat into perspective.

The age of accountability

Aug. 10, 2019, Columbus Crew: 2 FC Cincinnati 2

A new era of Hell Is Real Derbys kicked off in the late summer of 2019. Both teams were securely in MLS and had to be held accountable for their actions in the rivalry from that point forward. It was here that real heat and pressure were applied to the players and coaches involved.

By this time, both teams were well out of the MLS Cup playoff picture, leaving these matchups as the highlights of the year. Cincinnati scored two goals early, but a fire within Columbus was awakened in the second half as the team stormed back to equalize. Pedro Santos’ 62nd-minute goal was the lasting depiction of a night in which both teams left Historic Crew Stadium wanting a little more.

Aug. 25, 2019, Columbus Crew 3 FC Cincinnati: 1

The Crew finished the job 15 days later in Nippert Stadium. In a year with very little to be thankful for, Gyasi Zardes and Luis Diaz gave Black & Gold faithful enough to be happy about for a long time. 

Tempers flared a bit near the end as Cincinnati pulled one goal back, perhaps a precursor to intense battles that would become more normal. At the time, it felt like neither team was destined to improve, and the future of the rivalry seemed to be who could not finish last.

Dog Days of Summer

July 9, 2021, FC Cincinnati: 2 Columbus Crew: 2

The summer’s heat played a cruel trick on the home fans. For a moment, it felt as if a new stadium was enough to start a fresh chapter in their favor, but it was merely a mirage.

Young upstart Miguel Berry burst into the Black & Gold zeitgeist delivering a historic moment, as a 10-man Columbus side stole one point against a Cincinnati team that could not catch a break as a franchise. It felt different and familiar at the same time.

Aug. 27, 2021, Columbus Crew: 3 FC Cincinnati: 2

At this moment, the 2021 Crew season felt like it was descending into Hell. Losers of six straight, Caleb Porter’s squad took the field in Lower.com Field against their hated rivals. It was the first meeting between the two sides in the Black & Gold’s new home, and for 80 minutes, it felt like Cincinnati made the trip north to ruin the party.

Berry once again played the role of hero. Slotting home two goals late in the game in rapid succession to take the full three points and cement his legacy as the Cincinnati killer.

It is a shame that the young striker wanted more from his time in Columbus than to just be remembered as the guy who scored a few big goals against Cincinnati, but worse fates exist than derby match cult hero. Cheers Miguel. We’ll always have the summer of 2021.

The Dawn of Cucho

July 17, 2022, Columbus Crew: 2 FC Cincinnati: 0

Just as one hero in this story departs, one arrives on the scene. Cucho Hernandez officially became a member of the Crew on July 7, 2022. A short 10 days later, he took the field against a new and improved FC Cincinnati squad. 

It was an indistinguishable result for the Black & Gold against their rivals, a resounding victory in front of their rabid supporters. Columbus fans would be forgiven if they had thought at this time that nothing but good times were ahead. Unfortunately, the rest of the season would not be as satisfying. 

Aug. 27, 2022, FC Cincinnati 2 Columbus Crew 2

By the late summer of 2022, Cincinnati really was a new team. Former Crew player Pat Noonan had started to transform FC Cincinnati and was delivering results. One large objective remained, defeating the Black & Gold.

They were so damn close this time. 

Steven Moreira blasted a late volley into the Cincinnati net in front of a thousand stunned Cincinnati supporters. The home die-hards responded by showering the Columbus players with half-empty beer cans. Hernandez would not let this moment pass without stealing the show, catching a large projectile, and downing whatever contents were inside the 24 oz can. The image of this moment will live on for years.

The River Styx

May 20, 2023, FC Cincinnati 3 Columbus Crew 2

Right on the boundary of the underworld lies the River Styx. Crew fans certainly felt like they were crossing over into Hades after finally falling to a full defeat at TQL Stadium.

Cincinnati had emerged as a force to be reckoned with, and a young, newly led Black & Gold team could not fight through the harsh waters to deny their inevitable fate. 

It was a long time coming for Cincinnati. Since 2017, it had felt like a lifetime since they had seen a resounding and satisfying victory against Columbus.

Aug. 20, 2023, Columbus Crew: 3 FC Cincinnati 0

The most recent match-up in this story of two rivals saw the Crew claw itself back to salvation at the team’s familiar fortress. Cincinnati would not be spared a full defeat to the Crew in the summer of 2023.

Two early goals and a late rocket by Jacen Russell-Rowe were enough to remind Black & Gold fans what it felt like to beat up on the team south of I-71.

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Will this result act as a precursor to the Eastern Conference Final that lies ahead? Doubtful. Saturday’s match deserves its own tier and chapter in this ongoing epic. Ninty minutes await for these two teams, a story that has matured from David vs Goliath to two full armies doing battle with one another. 

Feast now, another battle is on the horizon.